About 10 years ago I published my memoir "Fire Works At Dawn". I met some lovely people who seaked me out becasue of it, but several years ago, I decided to remove it from publication becasue of some personal stories that did not need to be out it in world anymore; however. there still some chapters that might be of interest to my collectors or online friends.
I will choose some of the tales and publish here on this blog for those who wish to now about my life as an artist and a woman who has lived a long life.
Preface
My dream-come-true life was over. I looked down at my feet, marveling that I was still able to put one foot in front of the other. In spite of my heartbreak, I had to plan the funeral of the love of my life and somehow remember to keep breathing. Numbness had replaced the hysterical sobbing of the previous night.
Six months earlier, I had exclaimed, “If I weren’t me, I would be jealous of me!” My husband, Kai Winding, was an internationally known jazz trombonist. The rough parts of the relationship were smoothed, and we relished our deep love and soul connection.
Then my life shattered like a crystal goblet thrown against the wall. Kai, who had been in radiant health, developed a severe and increasingly painful headache. He died five months later from a brain tumor.
Fireworks at Dawn is the story of the dramatic changes in my life and thinking that pushed me from the glamorous, colorful and prosperous life through the painful depths of despair and financial ruin to this wonderful last stage of life.
I yearned for a life rich with colorful experiences, where I could live fully in a place where I could afford to pay for my basic needs; I had to make drastic changes.
I moved to Mexico at the age of 70. I was bankrupt, my art career was stagnant Leaving my family was the hardest part of the move. My daughters and grandsons mean more than life to me, and I had to convince myself that they didn’t need me anymore. But materially, I had little to lose.
A fine watercolorist told me several years ago that being a professional artist was equivalent to jumping off a cliff without a parachute. I agreed. I became used to taking risks artistically and financially.
While writing this book, I have had to scrutinize my whole life – the plethora of choices I have made and resultant mistakes and triumphs. Many painful events were stored far back into the dark recesses of my mind. I didn’t relish reviewing these images and memories that I had pushed out my consciousness for years, but then others told me that they were interested in what made me who I am. “How did you do it? Why are you now content and at peace?” I had an opportunity to release my own judgment and self-criticism. I could expose to the light the old encoding. If issues from the past still pushed my emotional buttons, it was time to let them go.
I take full responsibility for all my actions, including the painful circumstances that I attracted. I honor my beloved family and friends as well as the people who have deceived, tested and hurt me. They were all bearers of my Karma, helping me fulfill my contract of the lessons I am here to learn in this life. The people who have betrayed me have also been my teachers, and I bless and forgive them.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and have had to look at why I attracted loss, both emotional and financial, and ugly, painful situations into my life. Seeing the reasoning and patterns more clearly now, I can release the old way of thinking. It has also been a time of reflection, a time to acknowledge the blessings and even–present guiding forces that are always with me if I listen, and accept gratefully.
My dream life was calling to me. I chose to listen to the sound of that clarion. When the desire to make a drastic change in my life first surfaced, I didn’t know where to go, how to afford a move, where to live, or what I would do when I got there. When I opened my heart to receive all the blessings with my name on them, trusting that I will always have what I need when I need, it, I gave up searching for that always-illusive parachute and took the plunge off the psychological cliff. Then everything unfolded according to a Divine plan.
